DO YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO LISTEN?
Watch this video where I describe how to practice mindful communication by using active listening skills.
Many people’s idea of a conversation is a back and forth exchange of opinions. When it comes to partners especially, we often feel the need to tell them every single thought we have or urge we experience. This is a normal part of the human desire for connection. It is also how we show we care. It is a way to be vulnerable. When this happens between partners, it helps us feel safe.
However, oftentimes, especially when partners have been together for a long time and life becomes busy or full, this exchange begins to shrink down to the basics. Away from each individual’s thoughts and feelings, and more toward mundane issues - like whose turn it is to do the dishes or a cabinet door that’s never shut. As a result, we withdraw, isolate, or end up lashing out.
Something else that can happen over time is that individuals begin feeling like they can’t disclose how they feel to each other. It no longer feels safe. It feels too vulnerable. What we end up seeing as a result, is a couple or a family that no longer communicates, where all members feel unheard, unloved, and misunderstood. They are disconnected.
When I see couples or individuals in my sessions, they are often at the point of thinking about divorce or breaking up because it’s hard for them to even remember the times that felt good. What they usually mean by that is a time when their partner or family member really listened to them with their eyes open, mouth shut, giving them their full attention and being curious instead of staring off to the ceiling, the TV, or their phone and thinking of the next thing they were going to shoot back (note how passive-aggressive this type of conversation can be).
Before you get to that point (or if you’re already there), try these 3 Active Listening steps to improve your communication and feel connected and safe again.
How to Practice Active Listening
Give your partner your full attention as you listen and let them talk until they tell you they’re done (it’s okay to ask them to let you know when they finish their story or thought).
Paraphrase and summarize what they said and then check-in with them to make sure you got it right. This is essential. You don’t want to make any assumptions or interpretations about what they said. You’re just trying to understand the information they gave you. You can do this by simply asking after your summary, “Did I get that right?” or, “Did I miss anything?”
Validate their emotions in what they just said. This doesn’t mean that you agree with their point of view, but it means that you can see how in their position they could feel whatever emotion they described feeling. For example, “It makes sense why you felt frustrated/happy/surprised when that happened.”
Do these 3 steps before you jump in with your own point of view or your “counter-argument.” This type of conversation is not meant to help you “win” the conversation. It’s about reconnecting by truly hearing and understanding the other person’s experience. The assumption here is that you really do care about each other and want to improve the relationship. If that’s not the case, then you can also use these communication skills to come to a healthy plan about moving forward - even if that means putting the relationship on pause or going your separate ways. Allowing each individual to express their thoughts and feelings fully and then validating each other can help you go a long way in determining what each of you wants out of this conversation, the relationship, and life in general.
P.S.: This doesn’t just apply to intimate relationships. You can use this with your boss, teacher, friends, or clients. At the end of the day, it’s about making another human feel like they’re important and that their feelings matter. Even if just for a few moments.
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou
I am Dr. Alice Rizzi, a psychologist in New York City and Brooklyn. I specialize in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for anxiety, stress, and OCD. Contact me today to feel better and achieve your goals!