STOP TRYING TO BE HAPPY AND LEARN TO BE CONTENT INSTEAD
Being content doesn’t sound very sexy. Why should anyone strive to be “just” content?
Because being happy all the time is not realistic. Happiness is an emotion. Just like anxiety, sadness, excitement, anger, etc. All emotions are transient. Meaning, they fluctuate, they become more and less intense. They are manageable and tolerable, even when they feel extremely distressing, unpleasant, uncomfortable, or even unbearable. The truth is, if it’s an emotion, you can bear it.
The not-so-secret secret is that’s exactly what mindfulness can help you do. When people say mindfulness or meditation can help you be happier, what they really mean is that it can help you be content. Being content from moment to moment for longer and longer periods of time is my definition of long-term, enduring happiness. Along with the ability to return to this state faster and with greater ease, even after both minor and major stressors occur.
The more you practice mindfulness and learn to be present in the moment, however that moment is right now, the higher tolerance you build for experiencing stress. Think of it like micro-dosing yourself with discomfort. First it’s about learning to tolerate an itch you have without scratching it. Then it’s about noticing tension in the body and leaning into it. Then it’s detecting an urge to move or shift and choosing to remain still instead. Over time, you grow your tolerance to observe each of these things without reacting to them based on your impulses. You learn to pay attention and tune into internal and external experiences giving yourself infinite options on how to respond. You are not at the mercy of your momentary whims and you do not have to react to each thought, emotion, or sensation as you recognize it. It’s not about being calm when you’re angry or changing sadness to happiness. It’s about the choice to shift into a state of acceptance when you notice any feeling or situation is not as you’d like it to be. From that point of acceptance, you choose what to do next. Simultaneously, it’s recognizing you have the choice to do nothing. To not respond. To allow yourself to experience the discomfort and dislike just as they are, and to know you can withstand them. Not by gritting your teeth, but by opening and softening and welcoming whatever shows up. Genuinely, with curiosity, and without expectations.
These are pretty abstract, high level concepts. It’s okay if they don’t sink in immediately. That being said, don’t be surprised if they make perfect sense intuitively. How things are is just how they are. What you’re practicing through mindfulness is recognizing what is and giving yourself the choice to act on it or not.
By making room for things to exist as they are, you create the space for them to change and grow. This includes physical space and material objects, as well as different emotions in the presence of acceptance.
To illustrate, picture a brand new kitchen with ample cabinet space. What will happen to all that space in the span of a year? It will inevitably fill up with dishes, pans, cans, and a myriad of gadgets you may never even use. Open spaces fill up over time.
The same is true of your emotions and thoughts. If you accept whatever is or isn’t there (in your body or mind), you make room for it to fill up. Sometimes you get to choose what fills it (by engaging in purposeful activities) and other times you’ll notice stuff that belongs to someone else or that you don’t know how to use or what to do with. You also can’t run out of emotional or mental space, though you can feel depleted or burnt out, which is why it’s important not to overlook what’s taking up all your space.
When we talk about observing your internal experiences and noticing what’s there, imagine a fishbowl. You can watch the fish swim all day, whether you interact with it or not. If you touch the glass the fish might react before returning to its own path. You get to choose if you just sit back and watch or if you interact with it.
This is what we do in meditation. We sit ourselves down and watch our thoughts, emotions, and sensations “swimming” around, and we get to decide how much to interact with them. This strengthens our ability to do this in day-to-day life. To decide what situations or stressors matter enough to us to interact with, and how we choose to approach them: With curiosity and interest or with resistance and force.
The more you choose to just watch, and the more you accept what’s there, the more peace and contentment you will notice because the pressure to react fades away. You know you have a choice in how or if to respond and that choice is not dependent on feeling happy.
Helpful definitions:
Stress - Cognitive, physical, emotional, or external stimuli that creates pressure for you, demands attention, or urges an action of some kind.
Reaction - An automatic, impulsive, or reflexive action.
Response - An intentional, thoughtful, or planned action.
Mindfulness - The quality of paying attention to the present moment with awareness, acceptance, kindness, compassion, curiosity, and nonjudgment.
Day-to-Day Mindfulness - Applying the qualities described above to events, situations, and internal and external stimuli in your daily life.
Mindfulness Meditation - Time set aside specifically to practice facets of mindfulness.
To learn how to practice day-to-day mindfulness or mindfulness meditation, schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if individual sessions are right for you. For a low-cost, self-paced course on mindfulness and meditation, learn more about my 5-Senses Mindfulness Mini-Course.