FEEL BETTER NOW: THE MINDSET SKILL THAT WILL INSTANTLY SHIFT HOW YOU FEEL
I have learned many “mindset hacks” in my career as a psychologist. Most are little shifts that all add up after months or years of practice. Today, I want to share with you one strategy in particular that can make a HUGE difference in how you feel AS SOON as you apply it.
This is a juicy topic, so there’s a lot to cover. First things first, some foundational concepts you need to know.
The Basics
Your brain is nearly always trying to keep you safe.
Your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are all interconnected. This means that how you think impacts how you feel and act, how you feel impacts how you act and think, and how you act impacts how you think and feel. If this sounds familiar, it’s because that’s what cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is based on.
3. Your brain is a meaning-making, problem-solving machine that is always looking out for danger. Because of this, it will most frequently assume that unknown things are a threat to your survival and it will remember more of those things than nearly any positive things you’ve experienced before. This is safer than assuming unfamiliar things are positive and then getting eaten by a lion, even if you’ve never actually encountered a lion. You might have heard of this being referred to as “the negativity bias.”
The Big Shift
If you can notice how your brain labels your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, you can transform the impact something has on you. Then, the actual transformation happens through mindful communication.
Here’s an example:
Judy just went through a brutal divorce. She’s frustrated that yet another relationship failed, especially since she wasted her “good years” on it. When she talks about it with her friends, she refers to her ex as a “no good, deadbeat loser” who ruined her life.
The breakdown: Notice the highly colorful language in this scenario. How do words like “brutal,” “failed,” “loser,” “wasted,” and “ruined” make you feel?
Probably not great. When Judy uses them to describe her relationship and life, it makes complete sense why she feels defeated, embarrassed, ashamed, and hopeless.
The transformation: What if, Judy instead described the situation like this:
“My husband of many years and I got a divorce. Even though the relationship didn’t unfold in the way I expected, there’s so much I learned from it about myself and my partner. Although there are things I would have wanted to do and say differently, I can’t change what happened, but I can plan on implementing them in my next relationship.”
How might that language make Judy feel? Probably a lot better, more hopeful, and optimistic.
The Takeaway
What you want to keep in mind here is that we’re not actually changing any of the facts and we’re not trying to ignore, avoid, or invalidate how you might be feeling. All we’re shifting is the language you use to describe those things.
The idea is to use more observational, neutral, and fact-based language. This is sometimes referred to as “defusion” or “healthy non-attachment,” especially in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
Even though you might have very strong feelings about something that happened, how you describe those feelings can make a huge difference in how you feel, just like in Judy’s example.
This is true whether you’re talking to your friends, a therapist, or yourself in your own mind. See if you can notice the kind of language you use to describe things that upset you. Then, practice shifting the language to be more neutral and fact-based. Notice how that shift impacts your mood.
My prediction is that not only will you instantly feel an opening and a release, which will help you feel lighter, but that over time this will become easier and more natural for you to do. It can significantly improve how you approach, think, and feel about many things in your life.
This might sound overly simplistic, but it is actually highly effective. Do not underestimate the power of this technique and do give it a try in your own life.
Why does this happen? I sometimes refer to what our brain does as “storytelling” or “dramatization,” especially when intense emotions show up. This is because a part of you wants to be recognized, heard, understood, and validated in those feelings. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel those things. However, when you use highly colorful, “dramatic” language or exaggerated stories to express how you feel or what happened, you may inadvertently intensify those feelings.
Think about when you’re angry about something someone said to you. The more you replay the conversation to yourself and remember the details of it, do you feel better or worse? Most people tend to feel worse because you’re just confirming for your brain all the reasons it has to feel justified in its anger and so the end result is more anger.
But if you can reflect on the situation and talk about your thoughts and feelings instead of from that intense place, chances are you will actually naturally process the situation and be better able to move forward from it.
Remember, it’s not about not feeling your feelings, it’s about being mindful about how you’re thinking about and describing them. Hence, mindful communication.
Not only can this make a huge impact on how you feel day to day, but it can also have incredibly powerful, positive effects in your relationships.
Action Step
When you notice that you’re storytelling or dramatizing a situation (usually when you use colorful language and feel your emotions intensifying), ask yourself, “how else can I describe this in a more neutral, detached way?” It might help to think about how a reporter or detective might describe it.
Lastly, remember, you’re not doing this for any other person. You’re not letting anyone off the hook or forgiving unwelcome behavior. You’re only helping yourself see the situation as it actually is, in a way that helps you stay more level-headed and objective, because it’s from this place that you can make the most authentic, mindful choices in alignment with the kind of person you want to be.
To learn how to do this in-depth and apply it in your own life through therapy, book a free 15-minute phone consultation today.